I worry

I put my favourite pair of jeans for our usual drive around town on a Sunday. Just then I hear , “Waaaaaaaaaaaaaa!” silence; “Waaaaaaaaaa”! I turn around my son is busy figuring out if he wants to play with his toy car or bang it into the wall!
I should go out, I tell myself and go into the hall. My daughter is half on the sofa and half on the floor crying and I don’t know why. I really can’t say if she herself knows the reason, why!

Just then my husband come in and looks at her. Both of us grumble, grumble about the crying then find out- she just wants to change her outfit – the fourth time.
“When will she grow up?”  I ask my husband,  and I picture her all grown up in High School and I am free to do my oil painting, go to all the art exhibitions, hold eco-friendly exhibitions and read all I can. When we are finally in the car and my daughter is playing with my son. My son grinning at her, I think back. Do I really want them to grow and take on the world? Do I want them to fight and complete – for admissions, paint a masterpiece then act polite (PR) to sell it – to make a living?
Competition?  Highs.  Rejections?  Heartbreak.  Independence?  Loneliness.
Or will I like to keep them cocooned? Away from the world. Call ‘safe’ friends (same sex?) at home to play? Keep a fixed deposit so they don’t’ have to work under pressure? So they can paint for art’s sake; write for themselves. Not be pressurized by reviews, critics or empty halls.

Am I really impractical?

Keep them away from relationships – find them the perfect match myself. Save them the heartbreak and keep them from the mysterious of human mind, heart and behaviour? Keep them also from the goosebumps of the first romance; tears after an applause and the anxiety before trying something new?

So do I really want them off my hands? Well, no. Face the world; see friends / neighbours on their worst days? No. But I still want them to go out and experience the world. Explore life’s secrets and mysteries and grow stronger and wiser.
Will I tell my children to excel? No. Instead will tell them – ‘Get a job to pay the bills while I am right behind you but enjoy art for art’s sake and let no comment deter you or elate you off your roots’.

I will teach them to be sensitive to others at the same time strong to withstand a storm. Will I tell them, “Make me Proud?” No. I will them “I am proud of you.”

I am a Woman

Another day ends, the engine’s put off and I climb into my sanctuary. To myself and only to myself. I look at my reflection. Tired, dusty, tanned but firm and resolute. Hair ruffled in between deadlines, parlour and day care, make-up’s gone in the rush of the day. I undress – to me and only to me. To see a full-bodied woman, specks of growth in my arm pits; I loosen up to touch the elastic mark on my waist. My fitted bra comes off and I am glad to be a woman and a good one at that!
I remember the journey it took me to be a woman. The long haul of timid adolescence, nervousness of body and mistaken sensuality. But here I am through all the angst and the grind at home, with boys as cousins, work and relationships. And it gives me a spark. A spark I am proud of. A spark of mischief in my eyes, a spark of knowing how to bend the rule, how to make heads turn. A spark that brightens in the male competitive world and shimmers in cozy, comfort corners.

A spark that says, I am comfortable, being a woman.

I put my weary toes in the tub, I close my eyes. Remember my gym, I loved the feeling of that. The sweat that made me happy. Remember the Lo real ad for hair colour, the Aspiration liposuction banner; oh the obsession with body. Body in its true sense? Beauty in its true sense? Sensuality in its true sense? Ability to withstand the glare and toss ones’ head confidently. Confidence?
Knowledge, girl power!

The night passes by.

Welcome mornings! The gym rush. Baby porridge, potty and powder routine. Shower, blush, perfume, power watch and strappy dress. I pack my lunch, boiled water, tampon; my education, my first show down at work, the recent professional snub I gave my colleague, first byline – another day of head turnings, balancing egos and polite assertions.

I am a woman and a good one at that!

Where does feminism go from here?

I wanted to be a teacher all my school days, wanted to fall in love, during my college days and go to office during my PG days. In the process I became a self sufficent, practical, independent adult.
'Confidence' over took the akward timidness, reserved shy nature took to aggressive and pushy; sometime loud self assertiveness and the wonder in my eyes was replaced by mundane everyday practicality.
"I know," "I can do it myself", "I don't need a drop,"; my feministic brain never knew helplesness or submissive behaviour. "How am I going home?"; "You are so sweet" - alein words.
My prince in shinning armour did come and did sweep me off my feet but I lost on some of those mushy moments, chasing the stars; my prince didn't really have to rescue me. Much so I made the first move to capture my lover's attention.
And whatever fairy tale moments I did have, I felt, 'Oh, so guilty, why didn't I take care of it myself.'
So here I am, lighting a lone candle once in a while, buying a flower for myself, taking all my doctor's appointments, fixing the leaky tap, booking our vacations, handling hubby's work stress - without a day off! Phew!!!
Did Germaine Greer think of these while defining feminism? Does this make me a feminist, woman taking care of herself. Assertive, strong, presentable and independent?
And devoid of emotion sometimes? Don't feel guilty giving my husband the slient treatment. Though take his casual flirting in my stride, no tears lost there! Don't enjoy being the dependable agony aunt, who can take care of herself. Understand office pressures and lack of quality time only because have worked in an office before? Would rather be illiterate with an oily knot and fancy ribbon, cajoled by her lover to smile through her tears.
Where do we feminists go after this? While trying not to be a doormat, we become the rooster on the roof, pretty withstanding the seasons but unreachable.
I would anyday, go back to the days, where life was still a cramped book of secrets; waiting for the college hottie to make a move, awaiting a cousin's gift, expecting a pick up, looking for a 'guy' shoulder, asking silly questions for reassurance and giving teary explanations. Still like a guy to pay my bill, open the door for me and actually put his cigarete off.

30 plus

I get ready in my simple white trouser and sleeveless white top with hand embriodery, hair clean and wavy. My husband, already hassesled with work, drops me, baby and nanny to Levis store. Ooooooooh!
"I want my measurement," I say to the cute, young salesboy. "30," he answered, "What fit are you looking for?"
'30', it echoed in my mind; are you sure?
After half an hour, I walked out of the store with the latest black Levis piece and more importantly feeling good, confident and joyous as I wasn't left behind in the 'beauty-personality' businees; while dealing with my daily routine with naniies and household. I could still make heads turn!
On my way home, I pick up 'Chicken for the all moms soul', magazine for Aamir Khan's interview and a colourful teracota bell; ready to challenge myself like always.

Say 'NO' to plastic

I was already late, 16 bags, carefully crafted by my cousin sat in my cupboard for over a month now, I had to implement my plan. I got out of bed, made breakfast and got ready in a jiffy. My heart beat skipped as I reached the store - M.K Retail.
Without any hesitation, I reached the first man coming out of the store and asked him if he would answer a questionnaire for me.


Name
Email ID (to contact them if I do something in the future)

1. Do u know the environmental disaster caused by plastic?

Yes No

2. What does plastic do?
a) Kill animals, sea creatures after they eat the plastics along with the food in it
b) Emit toxins when burned
c) Release harmful gases when buried
d) All the above

3. What do we do?
a) Recycle - very expensive
b) Reuse - not practical
c) BAN

He answered my plastic awareness questionnaire, I had jotted down on one-side used paper from Siddharth's office.
"Name and email is optional, I'll use the email to inform you if I am doing something in the future," I clarified. As my first respondent finished with the questionnaire, I spoke to him about the ill effects of plastic; then meekly pulled out a jute bag with, "Would you like to buy a bag?". "No, some other time," and he walked away.
I went to my next respondent. Another middle aged man, reached the last question and looked up, "BAN? Not possible. Plastic has got into our lives." Sad as the observation / fact was, I positively told him that plastic has been successfully banned in some places and how making a small shopping bag change, can save animals living with us in our society.
A couple walked away, saying they are busy while others wanted to finish their shopping first. As the sun rose to the centre of our universe, many women made their way to the store and I got more respondents. A young lady smiled and said, "I'll buy one for your enthu." Oh yeah, I need that. She bought a huge jute bag and another cute, tiny one; one you'll like to gift someone. My first Rs 100, glad, my heart sped up a bit.
A couple walking out with Marie biscuit and toothbrush; agreed with my cause; with the woman saying, "I know about plastic. I am a teacher, I need to highlight this." "Will you buy a small bag?" "Of course," her husband came forth and actually exchanged the cloth bag with the plastic one he had just got. Smile!

I got talking with my people I met and eagerly told them how I avoid plastic in what ever form it comes. "I started composting to avoid throwing garbage in plastic bags, that's how the cows find them. I also use very few diapers for my baby, only for long outings." As they say, leading by example."
Women then asked me, how I managed the nights without diapers. "Numerous in-between checks", I smile. "Even I didn't use diapers for my child," the teacher added.

"I am an advocate," she paused with a cynical look, and removed a cloth bag from her purse, "I carry a cloth bag always but just lazy and sometimes not sufficient," as she already had 3 plastic bags in her trolley.

A beautiful woman in her forties, walked passed hurriedly but took time to answer my questionnaire. "Oh, I am into it too. I compost my kitchen waste." Oh the joy of meeting like minded people.

To another one:
"Oh, I have cloth bags at home"
"So you'll use your bag the next time you come shopping?"

As I reached my 15th questionnaire, I contemplated going home to bake my much delayed cake! Just then I saw a young boy looking at me as he walked with his parents to the car. Parents had a plastic bag each with just bought goodies. What better catch than a young guy blushing away? He ticked the questionnaire and slowly looked up. "Would you like to buy a small bag?" "No, maybe some other time." "A small one, you can gift it to someone," I pushed showing a bright pink one. "It's fashionable." "I'll take the this one," taking a yellow and brown one." another Rs 100 and I skipped my way home, happy , very happy.

Hope you are carrying your CLOTH BAG today!!!

Baby, Clothes, Stroll and more

I never thought I would find attainment in my homemaker’s role. From the usual everyday dal to the lip –smacking Jerk Chicken, I find my happiness in everyday things. I might miss my 7pm episode of ‘Friends’, but not checking recipes online. Is this change or just a phase?
Change brought about by the most important person in my life – my daughter. Eight months back, I just wanted to know how the ‘mother of all biological procedure’ will happen with me and today, I am engrossed in my domestic life; like I never was anything other than a stay-at-home mom.
Career etc seems alien to me now and all I can think of is the water for my baby’s bath and what’s cooking and what ought to be cooking for the next meal.
But the glam lifestyle attracts me still and I am always ready with a chic attire. Actually, I think I have made more time for it as my outings are limited and I might as well do them in style. Not to forget my curler for all those curls I wanted to get years ago. Spaghetti top and trendy jeans, low heels, no make up but an eye-catching stole for sure. So motherhood has surely seen me inventing; not re-inventing as I was never here before.
Today, I would rather re-organise my cupboards, spring clean, try a hand at baking (which is alien to me as sushi is to Kamala ben), crochet and not think about my career graph and life goals. I would rather entertain guests than laze away my afternoons. But hey, my afternoons were booked with one more important thing – washing clothes!!! Yes, you read it right. I absolutely love to wash my clothes. With my bai suddenly missing from action and loads of laundry waiting in soaked buckets; I could only get to washing them as I had fretted and complained about all the other chores. This only just needed to be done. Amen!
So there I was, juggling baby with cooking, one morning after my husband left for office. As the day began to unfold, baby got tired and decided to sleep. But I knew no sleep, my mind raced to the waiting clothes and I tip-toed into the bathroom. Scrub, scrub...rinse rinse; another rinse in Dettol and I heard my baby’s call. I rushed before she could be fully awake and as she slept, my wet toes took me back to finish the drying session. I took my wet clothes, squeezed the excess water and enjoyed the breeze as I put them on the clothes line. Gayatri aunty from the next building came by at her balcony and we chatted about her daughter's first born, Ganesh Chaturi and the missing bais again.
Happy, I’m done. My baby smiles in her sleep, sweetly, innocently; let life remain like this one movement. But there those eyes pop up and it's time for baby's evening stroll in the park.
'Papu, papu', the garden aaji calls out, mali nods happily, baby smiles at kids on the swings and I return home after two flights of stairs - back to my abode!!! Phew!!!! Tired? What's that?
Tomorrow's another day, another set of anxieties. But I am ready, I am fine; having the best sleep after a laborious day.

Of husbands and tomato soups

Blue lilies, calm sea, a dog at my heels; I look around and see no one and am happy. Yes happy! Trrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, goes my door bell and I wake up. Wake up only to turn around and pull my blanket over my head again... another day!
“Ondu tea maadi”, I hear my husband. Need to get up and drink it for him, scan the newspaper for him and share his thoughts on the latest news bite for him. I lean back into the sofa I thought would, fit into our hall and into our lives and give me happiness. As I lean back, I remember it’s breakfast time (for him).
Marriage, they say is difficult but I think it’s difficult to understand. What makes you happy? What burdens you? What keeps you going?
I return from office after a joke and a meeting; one deadline and loads of work. I enter my abode with carrots, capsicum, mushrooms, fruits and vanila ice cream. As my macroni boils and I cut my capsicum and mushroom; the thoughts from morning return to me. But they are all too unknown now. What was I thinking? This is my life and I love it. Veggies are done, tomato sauce is yummy, now to add the wonderful ingredient – cheese!!! Yes, I love cooking and I lovely life! Smile.
Chaos, redefined. No system problems, no editorial deadlines, no meetings scheduled... this is home. Baby crying for a stroll, NDTV news bursting into the living area, friends calling on the cell, hubby trying to make sense of it all – oh my delicious palak paneer just got burnt – Ouch!
Ok, all settled. Dinners done all I need now is a pillow; but would love to trade it for a pedicure, soft music – possible you think? Now? But I want it on a yatch. Oh yeah!
So I reach my pillow and lights go off, Amen!!! I think of Edison, Thomas Edison.
I still can’t make sense. Shopping with hubby. Sexy top for me, manly watch for you. Curtains for kiddy room, crystals for decor. Matching shoes for me, handful of romantic candles for us and a teddy for childhood sake. I’m done, I’m happy. I am a homemaker.
I wake up next morning, and type out my life to a friend – everything ok, everything fine!!!